Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, is the sort of annual gluttonous spectacle mock doc maestro Christopher Guest and his merry band of mischievous improvisers could really sink their teeth into. The hoopla surrounding the traditional fattening fest replete with a live ESPN broadcast billed as the “Super Bowl of Competitive Eating,” pushes the old “truth is stranger than fiction” axiom to the brink of parody.
Contestants–most have racked up street eat cred in various other contests including fried asparagus, clams, chicken wings and cheesecake-have nicknames like Crazy Legs, The Shredder and Eater X. And this year there was a cloud of controversy hovering over the out-sized epicurean event. A past champ, Takeru Kobayashi, who had pulled out of the event citing a contractual impasse with Major League Eating ( yeah, it’s a real league!), showed up in the crowd and after reigning champion Joey Chestnut won his fourth consecutive Mustard Belt, stormed the podium. Hauled in by the cops, he was later released sporting a “Free Kobi” t-shirt, a sign the incident was a well-planned publicity stunt.
I don’t get competitive eating. Why would anyone want to stuff their face with a week’s worth of calories in ten minutes? And why would other fools want to watch? Why are broadcasters celebrating a guy whose quick caloric intake surpasses Michael Phelps’ daily intake? Why is any of this nonsense sanctioned, especially in an era in which the First Lady has mounted a national mission against our increasingly grave obesity problem? As an aside, I should note my amazed discovery: with rare exceptions, the competitive eaters appeared to be slim and remarkably fit. They apparently train for this business. Still, you’ve got to wonder just what they do backstage after the competition is over.
Nathan’s, Heinz and Pepto-Bismal were the sponsors. And along with the coveted Mustard Belt, they collectively forked over $20K to Mr. Chestnut for his downing 54 hot dogs and 54 buns in ten minutes. Hardly a record breaker, the champ –who sucked down 68 last year–blamed the modest showing on the weather. At 96 degrees with 65% humidity high noon on Coney Island never felt so hot.
And Eating isn’t the only Competitive Stupidity these days. Politics has become an increasing stupid spectator sport. The reigning champ has to be Sarah Palin, who has turned quitting into a profit making enterprise. For every Malaprop or nugget of misinformation, the GOP’s Annie Oakley hits the jackpot. She’s even gotten her progeny in on the act, with her eldest daughter–the chick who had the kid out of wedlock and before high school graduation–making money every time she sings the praises of abstinence. Hey, nice work if you can get it. Sarah’s Sorry Sisters in Retro Republican Thought Michele Bachmann, Jan Brewer, Sue Lowden and Sharon Angle have all placed at various Tea Party Events. Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage lead the glutted group in the Media Misinformation category.
Hey, we’re stupid with Competitive Stupid. Still, I’m looking for a category within which I could shine. If they had, for instance, Competitive Kvetching, I know I could whine and bitch my way into the big bucks. Ah, forget it. They’d never offer a big enough pay-out. How about Competitive Unsolicited Advice-giving. I know that could be my winning event. If only someone would ask. Okay, now I’ve got it. Competitive Procrastination. I’d be a sure winner. That is, of course, if I ever got around to signing up.
Drive safe. Play nice. Think peace.
aba
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